Communicating With CLARITY In Marriage.

It's so funny that with many years of experience in marriage I am still a learner lol.  Three weeks ago, my dear husband and I had a heart to heart discussion and I said something I thought was complimentary but I was shocked when it was used against me jokingly. Later on I raised the matter and my sweetheart said he read a negative meaning to what I said and it hurt him but he felt it wasn't necessary for us to talk about it as he believes he would get over it. Wow. I apologised immediately and took extra time to explain myself clearly but It got me thinking. Ah ah! But I meant well. How could he have taken it negatively? Could this be miscommunication?  Yes, I got the answer.  I communicated but it was misinterpreted. He misunderstood me and it was hurting him but I had no idea. I felt everything was fine. I assumed he understood me.... Shame!!!

In every relationship there must be communication and it must be understood In order to achieve the desired effect. It's funny how a simple yes or no can be misinterpreted or misunderstood.

Effective communication is necessary to maintain and increase the quality of our lives even in marriage. If we can’t communicate effectively, we will be led in a direction we don’t want to go and that would spell TROUBLE.... We all have misunderstandings with the people we encounter and also within our relationships. And it would be very easy to become angry, confused, frustrated and disappointed simply because we are unable to communicate appropriately or we are misunderstood. 

The language we use to symbolize reality is most times, incomplete.

We will always leave something out when we’re retelling a story because we can never say everything about something that happened. And the words we choose to describe somethings are not always real. They are our understanding of reality.

How do we avoid the pitfall of miscommunicating?

We have to be careful In the words we decide to use. Be sure they symbolize what you really mean. And when you’re communicating with your spouse, ask questions to clarify what he/she really intends to say and make sure he/she understands the message you are passing across. Do not assume. If you are unsure about what your spouse means when he tells you he doesn’t feel well, Please honey, ask. Find out what his reality is.

What do you do if someone gets angry at you and says, “All men are the same. I just can’t stand men.” The simplest and most natural thing to do is to react negatively. But imagine what would happen if you ask a simple honest question like, “What do you mean, we’re all the same? What can’t you stand?” Those questions and a few extra minutes allows the angry person to elaborate on her sentiments and inform you directly what the matter is. Then you can respond more appropriately.

We all see the world differently.

That he is your husband or she's your wife  for 30 years doesn't mean that you two now think alike. You two have different views about life and the usage of words. How we encounter the world has been influenced by who we are, our backgrounds, our education, our values and beliefs, our needs, positions, jobs, and more. In other words, we all see the world through our own set of lenses.

To communicate better with your spouse and to understand their perceptions, we need to ask questions. We need to listen. Learn to delay your reaction until you have more information so you don’t form inaccurate assumptions.

In the real world everything is extremely complex. With language, we simplify it by categorizing our words and ideas, and often the categories are either/or opposites.

In the process of simplifying things, we omit details, forget differences, ignore uniquenesses, and eliminate the various levels of meaning. When we view life through such a narrow spectrum, thinking that life is as simple as an “either/or” situation, communication breakdowns are bound to occur.

So, to guard against these pitfalls, we need to develop an open mind with each other within our relationships. If you believe that reality is as simple as hot or cold, then you can only accept someone and accept what they say or you have to reject that person and reject what they say. However, if you have an open mind, you have more options.

In the real world everything occurs within a context.

We have probably all been misunderstood or had misunderstandings when something has been taken out of its original context.

Although we don’t fully understand how much our environment influences us, we need to consider that when we communicate we must be able to understand the context of our own communication. And we must understand that every message we send or receive has its own context. By understanding these foundational principles of communication, we can avoid and even solve our communication woes.

With those principles in mind, here are five things you can begin to do today to help you become a better communicator:

Ask questions. Don’t assume you understand what your spouse means. Once you ask a few questions, it doesn’t take long to really find out what he or she really means.

Listen. To become a better communicator, you must be willing to listen so you can understand the other person’s perspective.

Observe and be willing to verify the information you receive.

Let your spouse know what you are thinking by sharing it. By disclosing information about yourself, it aids the other party in understanding who you are and how you are understanding them.

Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges in communicating effectively. Assumptions, or automatically attributing a particular cultural or personal meaning to a word or phrase or message  does not help us process information more efficiently. 

So, express yourself clearly and try not to use vague or emotionally-charged language that can be misinterpreted.

Separating your feelings from your understanding of the message or situation is often helpful; this needs to be explained to the other person. “I feel angry about what you have said, but I do see your point…”

“Communication works for those who work at it.”-- John Powell

Let the work begin.

Stay blessed.