My Wife Also Doesn't Want S3x. Please Help!!!

Good afternoon Aunty Muna, I read through your blog, quite educating. Yesterday I saw something that struck me.  A lady wrote to you about her husband not wanting sex and I really was impressed with the way you responded. Now I have my own version. My wife  and I used to be sexually active too then we both became born again. My wife began to change In so many ways. She stopped paying attention to the home front. Stopped cooking, stopped taking care of the kids all sorts of things. I'm very okay with being a child of God but God never asked women to ignore their homes and duties. The worst case is that my wife and I haven’t had sex in so long I can’t remember. She doesn’t realize that the ONLY reason I am still in this marriage, is because God called me to remain faithful. I have tried many things, asked so many times to go to counseling or a doctor. She refuses. I am at the point where I don’t even like her anymore or find her attractive anymore. Why can she not see that her new behaviour and “no sex” has taken our marriage and thrown it away? What can be problem be?  Please advice me because I'm thinking of divorce because I'm frustrated. 

We are born again christians, baptized in the spirit, and church workers. She says she read in the Bible that we should abstain from sex. I have asked her to show me where it is written and she has refused. However, If things don't change I will divorce her rather than cheat on her. 

You can post this but leave out my details. Thanks.

Tony O.

Dear Tony, 

I feel your pain. Please add me on BBM or call me and let's talk more about this but in general let me say this and it applies to both husbands and wives. I write this because I've got a lot of calls and emails on this matters and I am truly worried. This may be a major reason for the high rate of divorce.  I am not a pastor but a believer in the word of God and I want us to read Proverb 5,15-20 and 1 Corinthians 7, 1-15 or to the end. This teaches us about marriage and sex.

Brothers and sisters, withholding sex in a "loving" marriage is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional torture. Whether their refusal is due to minor health issues, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. 

Sex and communication are two major factors which holds a marriage together. Communication is so important In every marriage that when you communicate with your other half,  problems will be solved. Sex on the other hand is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends, Co habitants or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; and the refused may not have caused this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. From experience, I understand that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it might be a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much.  If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self.  Sexless Marriage truly sucks.  The emotional abuse truly hurts. Thankfully there are lots of folks like me, who have made it to the other side and are living happy and healthy sex lives filled with joy, tenderness and respect.  We've been where you are.  We understand your pain and frustration.  You are not alone.  I pray for anyone who is currently living in this situation.  I hope that things will get better, but if they don't, I hope you will find the courage and inner strength to take care of your self and find the peace of God.  Life is way too short to settle for less. May God bless us all and grant us wisdom in managing our marriages. It has never been easy and it will never be easy to work your marriage to perfection.