The rate at which couples are going for divorce these days is not only scary but alarming. In any divorce case the court will always want to know that your marriage has 'irretrievably broken down' before they can go ahead with the case. This you need to prove with one or more of the following 'facts': adultery, finance, sexual incompatibility etc but truly, the number one cause and root of divorce is the avoidance of conflict.
What is sad in couples avoiding conflict is the fact that they believe it (conflict) causes divorce but the truth is that all marriages, even the very best of marriages, have a fair share of conflict. Conflict is a normal part of having two people work out a life together.
There are good ways to work out differences and there are also bad ways. One reason we have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. If a task-oriented individual marries someone who is more people-oriented, there is bound to be conflict. People who move through life at breakneck speed seem to end up with spouses who are slower-paced. It’s strange, but that’s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before.
Now, at the early stages of marriage, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing NOT to fight. We're afraid that if we disagree or fight we'll ruin our marriage.We believe that since we've found our soulmate and we'll always agree about everything.
Later, we avoid conflict because when we finally do try to deal with our differences (talk about them) things get so out of hand and our fights get so destructive and upsetting, that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. And, we start wondering if we married the wrong person. We think to ourselves: Did I make a mistake?
Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy after a conflict. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements and know how to keep their disagreements from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship.
While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn't know how or learn how to fight or manage their disagreements successfully, they won't be able to do all the other things they got married to do and they will end up with a divorce. Put another way, it's hard to take her out to watch a movie if you're not o speaking terms.
Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down completely, quit talking and in the process, quit loving. Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve.
Successful couples learn how to manage their areas of disagreement and live life "around" them, to love in spite of their differences and to develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions.
The divorce courts have it all wrong. "Irreconcilable differences" like a bad knee or a chronic back are not a reason to divorce. Irreconcilable differences are part of every good marriage. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner, know which issues they disagree on and must learn to manage themselves.
They also understand that if they switch partners they'll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly, the most destructive will be about the children from their previous relationships.
Couples need to also learn how to welcome and embrace changes and challenges. When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part but, we don't promise to stay the same. That obviously would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.
The good news is that the skills or behaviors for handling disagreement and conflict,
for integrating change, and for expressing love, intimacy, sex, support, and appreciation can all be learned. Couples can unlearn the behaviors that predict divorce, those that destroy love and replace them with behaviors that keep love alive. (Yes, in addition to learning how to manage disagreements and integrate change, it's also crucial to learn how to express love and appreciation.
Couples need to learn how to build and maintain the marriage that fits their own dreams and that fit their own personalities.
Couples need to learn how to cohabit, as newlyweds, as new parents, or after many years of marriage.
For young adults it is necessary for them to learn how to build good relationships and lasting marriages - to teach them what to look for, and what to avoid, in a mate.
Dating couples need to assess the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship and to learn how to improve the areas in which they rate as poor.
Couples need to know what to do when the issues concern certain sensitive areas such as sexual dysfunction, substance abuse, domestic violence, adultery, unemployment, dual careers, and illness.
With these few tips, divorce will be far from your home and you will find out that your love light will never burn out.... One Love...God Bless.
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