At different times in my life, I have been the dumper and the
dumpee. Being the dumper is never fun because of the anxiety,
awkwardness and conflict that is sure to follow.
If you're the dumper in
a serious relationship, it's not like you don't have a heart: It hurts
to see someone you love in pain, even if you believe the relationship
has expired.
But being the dumpee — well, that's a whole new level of pain. The
majority of us have had the "pleasure" of experiencing the ultimate
heartbreak, being dumped out of the blue by someone you are head over
heels in love with. And when that happens, what are you to do? Yes, you
can dive right into an ice-cream, but that's only
going to get you through the first few days.
If you really want to grow, heal and move forward after a bad breakup, here's where to begin:
1. Accept the empty feeling
That moment when you realize you've been dumped by the love of your
life feels like death and it should. The key is to allow yourself to embrace the grief if you
ever want to move past it. Someone once said that "Breaking up is
very similar to a death because it is in fact the death of a
relationship. For at least a couple of days, remember the good times and
allow yourself to cry like mad. An exorcism if you will."
2. Cut off all contact for real
In this case, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Absence is
exactly what you need to cool off, process your feelings and change
your perspective at the end of a relationship. This should be a
period of no contacts. No texts, emails or social media messages because
you need time and distance to get emotional clarity. When you just break
up with someone, your emotions are all over the place — you will likely
miss them desperately and overlook all the reasons why the breakup
happened in the first place just to have them there with you again."
3. Feel your feelings
I'm a big believer in feeling your feelings until you are done
feeling them. But sometimes raw feelings, especially after a breakup,
can get overwhelming, and that's where cognitive behavioral therapy fits
in. Cognitive behavioral therapy,
or CBT, is your best bet to manage intense and possibly destructive
feelings after a relationship ends.
Often when people are going through a breakup, they
experience certain feelings (sad, anxious, angry, hurt, betrayed, etc.)
that influence the way they think (e.g., It's all my fault! I'll never
find someone else! I cant trust people anymore! etc.) — and vice versa.
So, in order to move past a breakup, CBT would have people allow
themselves to experience their feelings fully. Don't try to avoid or
suppress feeling what you feel — emotions have a function and are there
for a reason, even if unpleasant!"
4. Challenge your negative thoughts
If I've done it once, I've done it a thousand times. I start to allow
myself to feel my saddest feelings after being dumped, and then my
thoughts take a sordid turn into Crazy town, population: me. This type of post-breakup thought pattern is to be expected.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help challenge thoughts that are
spinning out of control.
It is recommended not buy into the thoughts that emerge (e.g.,
challenge predictions about the future, correct distortions in beliefs,
etc.) and slowly but steadily reengage the world (i.e., reach out to
social supports, make plans that get you out of the house, exercise and
eat well, return to healthy sleeping habits, take risks again when it
comes to dating)."
5. Be brutally honest with yourself
The only effective way to challenge your thoughts is with brutal
honesty. This is the portion of post-breakup recovery that I like to
lovingly call "ripping off the Band-Aid." It hurts. It sucks. It's the
only way out of this funk you've been living in. April Masini of AskApril.com
explains, "To process the breakup more quickly, be brutally honest
about why it occurred. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're
compatible or that you have a future together. Chances are, this
breakup happened for a good reason, and if it didn't happen now, it
would have happened down the line."
6. Do you
OK, by this point, you've been crying your eyes out for days, and
you've forgotten to wash your hair. While it may seem like nothing could
comfort you more than your tear-stained and snot-soaked pillow, Masini
argues that this is the perfect time to get out of the house: Your
mental health depends on it. She says, "Go get a great new haircut —
completely different style! Put the focus on a new improvement, not a
loss."
"Use the breakup as an opportunity to strike out on your own in
the world, and you can discover new hobbies and interests that can make
you feel better and more confident about yourself."
7. Get back out there
No, you don't have to sign up for a dating website with a quivering chin and tear tracks still fresh on your face, but you do
have to make an effort to spend time with people you care about. This
step is critically important to bring back a sense of normalcy to your
life — and to remind you of all the people you have in your corner.
"Go out and have a good time even if you're not ready. Take a
trip to do something entirely new. Go to new places and meet new people.
Have fun. Be happy that you're alive and free. You will have good days
and bad, but take each day and know it will get better as time goes by.
Just don't wind up in another undesirable relationship to replace the
old. Give yourself the time you need to heal."
8. Look toward the future and don't look back
After an especially bad breakup, it may seem impossible to think that
you will ever love again — trust me but this sense of loss can open the door to great
possibility. When you find yourself at the end of a relationship, ask yourself this compelling question: "What else is
possible now that wasn't possible when we were together?"
Even in the midst of heartbreak, the end may be
just the beginning. "Move forward to create your life, and if
the relationship can be created again with that person you desire to be
with, it will be created from a greater, deeper place and not the same
old place that made you break up in the first place. In my point of
view, a breakup, especially stemming from an unhealthy relationship or
perhaps just one that wasn’t meant to be, always leads to something
greater."
Culled from http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1082376/getting-over-a-breakup-fast
